Hope=a belief that something is real.
I cannot really say that I had genuine hope through the depths of his hellacious addiction to opiates. Worry overcame me on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. It became impossible for me to work, to eat, to think of anything but death via overdose. It was at those lowest times for me that I had to believe in my heart and soul that he was going to be OK. Have HOPE that my only son was not going to die from the disease of addiction. It was not easy, but I had to in order to not end up in a psych ward myself! I had to stay healthy so that WHEN THE TIME CAME, I could be there for my son to help him.
I had to believe he will be OK! I am afraid that I will manifest his very death by my worry and LACK OF HOPE! I end up in the woods, wondering aimlessly, when it hit me! I fall into the fetal position in the middle of the woods bawling…You know, that “ugly cry”. A blubbering mess, unable to stop crying….snot running down my face…unable to swallow so spit is drooling down my chin. “Why??? Please, please help me to help my son!” I am begging my personal Higher Power for help!
All of a sudden, it all stops; the crying, the fear, the hopelessness I felt! I realize that he has his own Higher Power that is watching over him! It confuses me, this realization that I cannot control his life, his journey!
THE TIME CAME…
It is 3:00 a.m. on a Thursday morning when I wake up gasping for air. I want to vomit from the fear that I feel in my gut and in my heart. Something is wrong with my son, something terrible is happening…he is dying RIGHT NOW! I call his phone and get no answer, I hit redial a dozen times and then text him “Where are you? Please, Please text me back! I will come get you!” I copy and paste that message and send it 40+ times with no answer. I know he is staying with a girls grandmother….all I remember is that the word berry is in the street name and I think I know what town. I am driving around to every road with the word Berry in it, texting and calling like a crazy person! His phone goes dead…I think he is dead!
11:00 a.m. and I am exhausted and ready to start calling police and hospitals when my phone rings. “Mom, I need help! I am dying!” He gives me the address (I was driving around the wrong town). I finally get there, load him into my car and tell the grandmother to get the girl to the hospital or she will have a dead granddaughter in her bed! They ran out of heroin, oxy, and dilaudid and decided to google how to shoot up Suboxone!
The grandmother is in shock! “Heroin? Heroin?” is all she could say. She does not understand the drug, addiction, or the danger! (More on this in later posts!)
My son is limp in the hospital bed with IV drips…6’1″ and 107 pounds of bones, skin, and blood poisoned with deadly drugs! I think to myself…Finally, he will go to treatment and have a fighting chance! 5 short hours later the hospital administrator is telling me that they are discharging him. Insurance will not pay to keep him over night! REALLY?!?!?!? I call a detox center and ask for a bed for him…I get lucky, they will hold a bed for him and he has to be there at 7:00 am the next morning. Now, I embark on the journey of begging the hospital to keep him overnight…They do, knowing that Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shield will not pay! They know that releasing him is as good as signing his death certificate. They tell me this is Anthem’s “M.O.” (I will get into THAT battle later on in my blog posts!)
He did not stay off of drugs after that, although he came out of treatment 135 pounds and knows that there is help out there now. The months that follow seem to flow by a bit easier for me. I finally have acceptance that my son may die from using drugs; I do not know if I will survive losing my only son, but…………My day in the woods helps me to deal with it in a rational manner!!!! I believe that he will find treatment and live a good long life. That, someday, he will use his experience for the good of all!! Hope=Belief that something is real! Hope saved my sanity!!!