The love of my life brightened my world in November 1992. He came into this world a 9 pound 8 ounce beautiful, warm, pale bundle of kicking, screaming, hungry joy! My first Son was born. As it turns out, he is my only son…my only child.
I loved him, nurtured him, held, cuddled, rocked, & sung him. I loved him unconditionally from the moment he was conceived!!!
FAST FORWARD 20 years….
I am still loving him unconditionally…my 20 year old Opiate addict son. He is 6′ 1″ tall and 107 pounds! He cannot even drink a sip of water without vomiting violently. His body is just rejecting it, rejecting everything except for the heroin or Oxycontin or Dilaudid he injects into his veins just to be able to get out of bed. His brain does not care what the drug is, as long as it is an opiate, as long as it is more than yesterday!
I text him several times a day…”are you alive?” When I do not get the “yea” reply I begin to get sick with worry that he is dead…overdosed and laying dead (or dying) somewhere awful, somewhere that his Mommy cannot hold, cuddle, and rock him! I want to save him….I am his mother, I am supposed to keep him safe!
I am his mother and his addiction has taken over my life! I cannot function normally, I think about him, worry about him, and obsess about my baby 24/7! When, on the rare occasion, he picks up the phone, I reason with him to get treatment (wrong approach), I beg him (wrong approach), I threaten him (wrong approach), I try to make him feel bad by crying and telling him I want to just kill myself! WAY WRONG APPROACH!
I do not know how many detox programs, Suboxone programs, in-patient programs, out-patient programs that he has left against medical advice (AMA), been asked/told/coerced to leave, completed (most because insurance said they would not pay any more!). All I know is that I have hope that some day HE will have hope that he can live life without the use of drugs! Some day, some where there is a treatment program that will help him.
FAST FORWARD 2.5 years….
I am still loving him. My 22 year old addict son. He is 6′ 1″ tall and 185 pounds!
THE STORY CONTINUES:
I will continue to post pieces of the story. If I were to take a guess at how many days I can write about opiate addiction from personal experience as a Mom, it would be about 1000+++ days long. A short story compared to some who live in the grips of addiction in one way or another for decades as a parent, sibling, spouse, lover, and friends.